It's early, 6:06AM. Not terribly early by my standards, but the house is so quiet.

I usually wake up and read until 7:00AM. On a week day, 7:00AM is when the day starts. I'm usually able to relax until then. I have my coffee, either in bed or on the couch. Life is good and I take a moment for myself first thing.

But, for the last couple of days, I've been waking up thinking about some worry: finances today and work that was left unfinished yesterday.

It leaves me befuddled. I'm not completely awake so I can't just dive into the work, and I'm not relaxed, I can't have my glory moment and just play anti-reality. That's one of my favorites: playing anti-reality. If you consciously tell yourself that you are taking a break from reality it's not as delusional as it might seem at first blush. You've got an hour or two where you don't HAVE to do anything, why not take a mini vacation? Read for an hour with a cup of coffee. Sit and watch Oprah with your kids, get out the oranges and popcorn. That's my favorite!

But, this morning, I could do the finances. I could work. I could do laundry. I could read. I could watch CSI before the kids wake up. But... I have this feeling of unrest. Restlessness. I know all those things need to be done, but part of me is being drawn to the bed. I just want to curl up in bed and not play anti reality, but really embrace anti reality. I want to not just pretend that nothing needs to be done for an hour, I want to quit my job and take all the clutter, all the bills, all the broken and unorganized toys, and all the laundry and throw it in the trash.

I feel like my life is very heavy right now. It feels suffocating instead of challenging. I know I'm in a funk. I hate the word depression, simply because I think it's over used. Depression is the new catch all for anything that ails anyone!

I know that in 42 minutes I'll be getting the kids up.
I know that I'll figure out how many hours I can work today to fulfill the contract.
I know that I will work out, and do the laundry and figure out date night.
I will do all that.
At the end of the day, the kids will have had great day full of learning, fun and emotional growth.
My husband will have bettered the world and the company he works for.
I will have been supportive and I will have found some meaning in some small gesture, some words of wisdom, something will click and it will have made the day worthwhile.

It's just right this second, I don't see it!

Honestly... And, why else would someone wake up early and write a blog other than to be honest? It's all about validation. It always comes down to validation for me. I'm trying to make it ("it" being my life) about self validation. About being happy with my OWN approval. NOT anyone else's.

So, I quit WeightWatchers. I haven't stepped on the scale. I haven't counted points. I haven't surreptitiously asked people for feedback about my weight ("Do I look fat in this outfit?").. Yes, I know what surreptitiously means, I was being funny.

I've worn loose (what I feel has been) attractive clothing that allows me to move. My cloths haven't been talking to me. These are some of the things my wardrobe says to me:

I'm too tight!
This button is going to blow!
I can't breath, tummy is hanging over the waist band, muffin top,
Hide a can with that sweater before some one sees the size of your ass!
The arms are flapping, the chin is hanging.
Remember how these jeans used to fit just a few months ago?
Maybe if you didn't have 10 points for breakfast you'd be able to move a little faster?

So, I'm wearing loose clothing, that doesn't generally talk to me, the muffin top is hard to avoid. Even spandex seems to create the muffin these days.

I had been feeling better, and funny enough things were looser, not just because they were spandex, but because I was feeling a little bit smaller. But, then last night, my arms felt huge. I feel puffy. My cheeks feel rounder. My thighs are rubbing together when I walk. I feel huge. And it's making me sad. And, there is no amount of self talk that is going to make it better. I'm working out every day, so I know I'm exercising enough. It's simply the amount of food I am eating is too much.

Too much food. It's all healthy, well almost, but just too much of it.

So, I know it's not about the food. It's emotional eating (told you I watched Oprah).

So, why am eating? What am I avoiding?

Why am writing this down for the world to see? Some condolence knowing no one is reading this...

Finances causing stress in the marriage. That's true.

Feeling like everything is out of control. That's also true. But, nothing is ever truly in your control (Eckhart Tolle).

Too much going on.

I'm a good Mom. And,that should be enough but it's not. I need more. I need to have something that I do that I'm good at that is not about being support to other people's healthy and interesting lives.

I want a healthy and interesting life. I want to have a fun day that is full learning and making the world a better place.

It's 6:58... The day is starting

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Still trying to figure out this blogging thing.
I am having a hard time figuring out the audience for this. If I write too personal, it is just a little weird, but if it's too vague, how is that interesting?

I would like to be a writer, and from what I understand figuring out the audience is step number one. Who's going to read this? I don't know.

What's interesting at my life? My husband is an executive in a small start up in the Silicon Valley. I hear about all sorts of things. I grew up here, so I can tell you what it was like in the 70's in Palo Alto as a 5-15 year old.

I have friends that are my age, 43 that also grew up here. They are married to executives or soon to be executives. We are home owners. Some would say we have arrived, our bank statements and portfolio tells us otherwise.

I meditate with a group of French women, including my mother every other Thursday. We are just finishing up reading Eckhart Tolle's New Earth book. It was very eye opening. I spend a lot of time thinking about whether I am currently being motivated by my ego? Pain Body? Am I in the moment? What part of my life am I trying to validate? I feel different than I used to. When I feel bad or attacked, I don't rebel. Like I have friends that like to criticize, when they do I'm working on not defending myself, my housekeeping abilities, my weight, my taste, my other friends. This is supposed to shrink the ego and allow me to live more fully in the present moment. It does help. Because if you don't react to someone the defensive argument is gone. You are not sitting there thinking about how to prove that what they are saying is not true, you simply say: Yes, my cleaning lady did just clean my kitchen floor. She did clean it, if you are implying that the floor doesn't look clean, I'm not jumping to the bait.

Anyway, I need to get to work!

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OK, still not able to get it together. House is too busy, girls are running in and out. Nicolas is making beaded animals. Hubby's in his office. Don't know where Suzi is.

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Posting my first blog....

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